PREMARITAL COUNSELLING: QUESTIONS COUPLES NEED TO DISCUSS BEFORE TYING THE KNOT
Marriage is one of the most significant events in the life of most people. It is therefore important to plan ahead before entering into marriage. Premarital counselling will help you and your partner to know if you two are on the same page about a variety of different topics. Alas, most people don’t want to accept that they need premarital counselling; they do not even ask each other the difficult questions that can help build a stable union. They assume that their marriage will work out just fine, no matter what hurdles it will face. Since divorce is on the rise, it is therefore important to consider these premarital counselling questions before tying the knot:
Emotional premarital counselling questions:
- Why do you want to get married?
Reflect on this, why do you want to get married at all? What is the reason behind wanting to get married? Is it because you are ageing? Or is it because you feel pressured by family and friends to get married? Yes, some people marry because of age factor, or family & friends pressure. Marrying due to the following reasons won’t let your marriage last longer.
- Why do you want to marry this person?
Love is in the air! Most response to this question will be ‘because i love him/her’. But love alone is inadequate and will not make your marriage work.
Another important premarital counselling question couples need to discuss has to do with child birth. It is certainly true that children are a blessing from God. There is also no doubt that Children are a big responsibility and it should never be presumed that both couples want them. It is therefore good idea to discuss these questions with your partner:
- Do you want to have children?
- Do we want to have children?
- How many children do you want us to have?
- How long should we be married before having children?
- What is your parenting philosophy?
- Which one of us will stay home after we have children?
- What is your opinion about adoption?
- Do you have any child/children already?
Sex and Intimacy:
Sex and intimacy are very important topics that need to be discussed by couples before tying the knot. In a relationship, men connect better through good sex while women connect better through communication; so before saying ‘I do’, couples must discuss the following premarital counselling questions:
- Are we happy with our sex life, or do we want more?
- How many times should we have sex in a week?
- Are we comfortable talking about our sexual desires and needs?
- Are we satisfied with the amount of romance and intimacy?
- Are we jealous couples?
- What turns us on and off, sexually?
- Where do you want to be touched before, during and after sex?
- Do we have trust issues?
- What is your view on masturbation and the use of dildos/sex toys?
Before marriage, couples need to plan and put their finances in order. There should be no secrets about each other’s spending habits or each other’s savings and debts.
- How is our financial situation like, i.e.; all debt, savings, and investments?
- What is our salary and benefit at work?
- What will our spending be like?
- How will we divide the household bills?
- Will we have joint or separate accounts or both?
- Will one person handle family finance or both of us?
It will be helpful to know more about the family and friends of your future spouse. This is because after marriage, you will be more likely to cross path with them. After all, you are each marrying into a new family, so it’s best to try to know and understand your family and friends. Furthermore, in some cultures, marriage involves not just the two couples but the entire families of the two. This is the more reason why you and your partner should discuss these questions:
- What was your childhood like?
- Do we like each other’s parents?
- What family values do you want us to bring family into our marriage?
- What do you like and dislike about your family and my family?
- How often will we see our families and friends?
Communication & Conflict resolution:
Communication can be verbal and non-verbal, and it is very important in every relationship. For your relationship to be successful, you will need to consider your communication methods/ skills. Couples will also need to figure out what communication skill works for their relationship.This is because their life after marriage will be filled with important decisions making, tough times, and some conflicts.
- How will we make decisions?
- Do we try to avoid conflict?
- Can we talk openly about everything?
- Do you think our differences will create problems in our marriage?
- How different are we from each other?
- Are we good at handling conflict?
- Can we both forgive and forget?
- Are we both willing to work on our communication?
- Do you think we have problems in our relationship that we need to deal with before the wedding?
Other premarital counselling questions couples need to discuss:
Career/Work related premarital counselling questions:
- What are our career goals and what will we do to reach them?
- What will our schedules be like and how might they impact our marriage?
Religion/spirituality related premarital counselling questions:
- Will religion/spirituality play an important part our life after marriage?
- Do you think faith and spirituality are important in a marriage?
- Will our children profess your spirituality or mine or both?
Personal habits questions:
- Do you drink alcohol, smoke or do drugs?
- Have you been jailed before?
- Do you have any criminal record?
- Are you temperamental?
- Have you ever hit/beaten someone?